Archaic Movies That Cannot Be Remade Today

A remake of the 1984 film Red Dawn came out last week and really did not do very well.  I cannot believe they even re-made this film, because it makes no sense in today’s world.  Back in 1984 the Cold War was still in effect, and the threat of a Soviet invasion felt possible.  The remake casts North Korea as the bad guys.  If I were to compile a list of dangerous threats to America, “Invasion by North Korea” would probably come in at around #97.  The 1984 Red Dawn was a cautionary tale of preparation, the 2012 Red Dawn (which I haven’t seen) sounds more like a fantasy film.  It makes no sense.

Now films that make no sense are released by Hollywood all the time, and they usually end up failing and forgotten.  That’s just Hollywood.  In the rush to remake older successful films, you would think Hollywood would put a little thought into it.  Since sometimes it seems Hollywood doesn’t think. Here are 6 other successful movies from the 80’s and 90’s that, like Red Dawn, should NOT be remade, because in today’s world the plots make no sense.

9 to 5 (1980) – The plot then: Three victims of a sexist boss kidnap said boss and start to run the company better without the boss around.

The plot today: Three victims of a sexist boss sue the company for millions of dollars, the company declares bankruptcy, gets bought out by corporate raiders and all the jobs are shipped to China.

Just One Of The Guys (1985) – The plot then: A female journalism student who thinks she would get more respect as a man transfers to another school as a male journalism student, and finds out the male students don’t have it so easy either.  Much havoc ensues when she finally reveals her true gender.

The Plot Today: A female blogger starts  a new blog under a male alias, decides to start pretending to be a male, only to find out there are 4 or 5 other transsexual students at the school, and nobody really cares.

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Top Gun (1986) – The plot then: Ace American fighter pilots get in dog fights with Soviet Air Force. Gets plane shot down. Co-pilot dies.

The Plot Today: Ace American Drone pilot flies with no opposition over Taliban forces. Gets drone shot down by a lucky shot.  Because he lives in Nevada, and the drone is half way around the world, he takes the afternoon off.

Pump Up The Volume (1990) – The plot then: Teen starts a pirate radio station, his obscene antics cause an uproar in the town, gets in trouble with FCC.

The plot today: Teen starts audio podcast, his obscene antics gets some followers, the FCC doesn’t give a damn.

Hackers (1995) – The plot then: A tiny handful of computer geniuses conspire to take over computer networks and the world.

The plot today: A tiny handful of computer geniuses discover that being good at computers is very common, and networks are very protected, and interrupting network communication is amazingly uncool today, and will land you in jail and shunned by geeks everywhere.

You’ve Got Mail (1998) – The plot then: A couple of people in the same business develop a relationship anonymously online using AOL, while in the real world they hate each other.  (oddly this is a remake, the original “Shop Around The Corner” was anonymous pen pals.)

The plot today: A couple of people in the same business meet online anonymously, but thanks to Google, Linkd-In, and Facebook they find out everything about each other in a few minutes.

Can you think of any other recent popular movies that cannot be remade because the plot makes no sense today?  Throw them in the comments.